Retreat

Last Thursday, I went on a one day retreat with some people from the church my husband and I attend.   The retreat was self-directed and mostly solitary.  I’d not been on a retreat before. I brought along Brad Jersak’s book Can You Hear Me – Tuning into the God who Speaks and tried to leave my expectations at home.

The weather that day was cool.  Nonetheless, I did spend quite a bit of time outside.

It took a while to settle myself.  I sat on the swing and gazed out at nature and between that and the actual act of swinging, I was able to calm myself.

I walked the labyrinth with my arms out and palms open, opening myself to God’s leading. I prayed for myself and others. This quote was on the handout for the labyrinth:

Your life is a sacred journey.  And it is about change, growth, discovery, movement, transformation, continuously expanding your vision of what is possible, stretching your soul, learning to see clearly and deeply, listening to your intuition, taking courageous challenges at every step along the way.  You are on the path … exactly where you are meant to be right now … And from hear, you can only go forward, shaping your life story into a magnificent tale of triumph, of healing, of courage, of beauty, of wisdom, of power, of dignity and of love.”   ~ Caroline Adams

The part of the quote I’ve bolded was very meaningful to me since I have been wondering about my latest “path” — pursuing a writing certificate and subsequent freelance career in same — especially since lately I am also having problems with my hands (tendonitis type stuff in my thumbs.)

I did the Stations of the Cross and meditated briefly at each Station.

I took some photos.

Two cats and a golden retriever live on the retreat property

One of the Stations of the Cross

Inside, I prayed, read,  meditated on what I’d read and (surprisingly) cried at something I read in Jersak’s book.

We gathered as a group for our noonday meal and again later in the afternoon to pray and take communion.

Nothing terribly earth-shatteringly spiritual happened just a nice relaxing day away from technology and spent mostly just with God.

Friday Funnies

I need to get cards like this printed up. Then I can place them under the windshield wiper of said offender.

Seen on Facebook

 

This Mother’s Day get mom something that you can do together. 4 weeks of burlesque, $49.

 

I pondered my 84 year old mother-in-law and I doing burlesque.

Then, I burst out laughing…..

Writer’s Doubt, Not Writer’s Block

Despite having written for years, it’s been tough for me to believe in my abilities as a writer, and send out my work.  I struggle with writer’s doubt.  Maybe you do, too.  Never mind the husband telling me over and over again that I’m a good writer; what I focus on instead is the negative voice inside my head that says “you’re not good enough”.  Despite getting straight A’s to date in the Professional Writing Certificate program I’m currently enrolled in, I remember what a hard slog my technical writing contract of last spring was.  At one point, I was completely demoralised when the lead technical writer changed almost every sentence of a document I’d edited.

I got to the point where I’d had enough of letting fear and self-doubt hold me back and decided to take a big gulp, put on my big girl panties and overcome this inertia.  I’ve become less bashful with my submitting my words, less intimidated by the process and less willing to have my prose sit on my external hard drive.

My stories,  articles and pitches are being sent out now. And not just to places that know me, like our church’s newsletter.

Lo and behold, I’ve had pieces accepted in the past year. By complete strangers no less who, one assumes, recognize good writing.  I’ve had a non-fiction article published in a Canadian magazine and a short story, Bullying: A Success Story, will be published shortly by https://www.shortstoriescafe.com/who “feel it is a well-written, empowering story that would be great to include on Short Stories Cafe.”

And, with every acceptance, doubt and fear take a back seat. I’ve learned: nothing cramps creativity’s style like those two “devils on my shoulder”.  Hence, I’m inspired to write and look for places to send my writing to. Word by word, acceptance by acceptance, belief replaces fear and doubt and I dare to hope: maybe this here writing thing will work out after all.

As for the colleague who changed all my sentences? I’m giving her control-freaky self the middle-finger salute.

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Any other writers struggle with Writer’s Doubt?  Let me know in the comments; we can commiserate together.

Snorkel

Taken with the underwater camera we rented. Clear shots are tough due to the waves jostling one about underwater.

A whole new world opened up to me when I learned to snorkel.  While in Maui last year, my husband and I took a snorkel tour with the Pacific Whale Foundation, a non-profit organization.  Two snorkel stops and lunch were included in the price.

The first snorkel stop, only 45 minutes from shore, was traversed in calm water.  After conquering my initial anxiety, I donned my fins and snorkel gear. I used the wet shirt and foam noodle provided for buoyancy.  Appropriately suited up, I nervously joined my husband in the water.  I took a few breaths through the snorkel to fix my breathing pattern before plunging my head underwater.  What awaited me there was so amazing! Water so crystal clear, I could see to the bottom.  There was different colored coral, starfish, and various types of brightly colored tropical fish.

Unfortunately, my underwater explorations came to an abrupt end. After we boarded the ship to continue to our second snorkel destination – one and a half hours away – the sea became rough and I began to feel unwell.  We finally reached our second snorkel spot. However, even after taking a pill for motion sickness, I was not up to snorkeling. My husband, who briefly snorkeled at this location, advised that the water was colder, deeper and murkier than location number one and thus visibility was compromised and there weren’t as many fish. He became chilled and came in after about 15 minutes in the water.   While he was out, I ate a bit of lunch and eventually the medication kicked in but I still felt a bit nauseous.

As we made our way back to Maui, I did my best to keep my gaze fixed on the horizon.  Other people that felt similarly coped by lying down.  I tried that technique but it didn’t work; in fact, it made things worse.  Only by looking at the vista of land in the distance was I able to maintain some sense of equilibrium.   I was able to move around the ship a bit. The vessel had to stop three times on the way back – twice due to the churning waves and once to look for the sea turtle someone else on the vessel had seen.

If only the experience of getting ill hadn’t overshadowed the enjoyment of the snorkel trip.  I may have to snorkel from shore next time.

Fibromyalgia Rant

By a doctor who understands

Words for a Writer to Live By

If / When I write my memoirs, this quote by Anne Lamott will be front and center on the first page.

 

The quote may be a bit hard to read on the picture.  It says:

You own everything that happened to you.  Tell your stories.  If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.

What I Want You To Know About Chronic Illness

Our church has a monthly newsletter and has recently started an education series on the various health challenges individuals in our church have.  This month it’s my turn.  Here’s what I wrote:

• The chronic illnesses I live with are:  fibromyalgia, irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), and arthritis.
• The reason I’m sharing this with you is:  to educate, not elicit sympathy.
• I was diagnosed with these starting in the mid 80’s.  But I’ve had symptoms since I was a teenager.
• Most people assume: Those who don’t know me, assume I am “normal.”
• People would be surprised to know: I have problems with telling right from left and am directionally-challenged (two symptoms of fibromyalgia).
• The hardest thing(s) to accept about my new reality has been: Reframing the plans and dreams I had for myself, financial dependence on someone else, and accepting my limitations (still working on that one.)
• My illness has taught me: To slow down.
• Something that has surprised me about living with fibromyalgia/chronic pain is: The mental gymnastics required to adapt tasks so as not to increase my pain.
• Looking after my health is like having a part time job without any pay and few benefits.
• Treatment costs:  Roughly $220.00 – $300.00 per month for myself:

Once a month for massage at $80.00 per massage. I’d go more if we could afford it
Once every one – two weeks for the chiropractor at $30.00 per visit.
Exercise – I currently have a personal trainer coming in twice a month at $45.00 per session. She’s known me since 1998.  I work out at home in between for free and I try to do that twice a week.

• The hardest part about mornings is: The first few steps out of bed because of increased pain, stiffness and fatigue. Also, IBS is typically more active in the mornings.  The hardest part about nights is: Forcing myself to go to bed early, insomnia, and heart palpitations that wake me up.
• A gadget I couldn’t live without is: my Magic Bag.
• Each day I take __ pills & vitamins. As few as possible I’m terribly sensitive.
• Regarding alternative treatments I: have tried a few – some work, some don’t.
• I miss:

Working outside the home.
Evening activities, I’ve had to give a lot of those up. By suppertime, I’m done. Even my brain shuts off; I can’t tell you how many times I’ve left food out overnight.

• My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is:

The fellowship of those who bear the Mark of Pain. Who are the members of this Fellowship? Those who have learned by experience what physical pain and bodily anguish mean, belong together all the world over; they are united by a secret bond. ~ Albert Schweitzer

• Something I never thought I could do with my illnesses that I do is: Go on long hikes and snowshoe.

Winter hike to Troll Falls – I was behind everyone else but I did it!

 

 

• A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Photography.
• My hope for the future is:  to complete my Professional Writing Certificate and work from home as a freelance writer.
• When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: You are not alone.
• The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was:  A friend cleaned my house when my pain was at its worst.
• What’s helpful to me is:

 

understanding from others that illness can sometimes keep me away from functions (including church on Sunday mornings) that I’d rather be able to attend
offering to help with day to day chores
a listening ear
a phone call, email or text to see how I’m doing

Sympathy, Empathy and Compassion: Why They Aren’t All The Same Thing

Like most people, I want to show and be shown compassion and empathy. However, until recently I confused sympathy with compassion and empathy. Brene Brown, in her book I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Making the Journey from “What will people think?” to “I am enough” explains about the differences between the two:

One reason empathy and compassion are so powerful is the fact that they say to someone, ‘I can hear this. This is hard, but I can be in this space with you.’

Their sympathy slapped me across the face. Like all sympathy, it said, ‘I’m over here and you’re over there. I’m sorry for you and I’m sad for you. And, while I’m sorry that happened to you, let’s be clear: I’m over here.’ This is not compassion.

Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.

Fortunately, empathy is something that can be learned. Teresa Wiseman, a nursing scholar in England, identifies four defining attributes of empathy. They are: (1) to be able to see the world as others see it; (2) to be nonjudgmental; (3) to understand another person’s feelings; and (4) to communicate your understanding of that person’s feelings.

 

Jaws

When I was in my teen years, I wore braces – the metal kind not the invisible plastic ones.  I also wore elastics and headgear. I wore these contraptions for two years, followed by a year of retainers. My bite problems were fixed.

A few years later, I was diagnosed with TMD – temporal mandibular joint disorder – and I’ve used a succession of splints in my mouth ever since, either on my upper or lower teeth. Some splints I’ve worn holes through with my clenching.

My teeth changed over the years – the bite and teeth placement which I thought was been corrected by braces in my teens was only temporary.  A few years ago I went through braces and retainers again, primarily to coax a wayward tooth into alignment.  These treatments were only marginally successful.

The TMD continued.  The latest splint I’ve been using since 2011 was a NTI Splint – formulated so that the back teeth do not touch so it eliminates grinding and clenching.

I was at the dentist last week for a cleaning and check up.  Some ab fractures (miniscule parts of the tooth chipping away) were found.  The cause that was given was my improper bite. Supposedly by enduring yet another round of braces the bite will be corrected and my jaw (TMD) problems will be over.  The dentist referred me to a neuromuscular orthondontist.

The NTI splint broke this week.  I went back to the dentist yesterday to get a new splint.  Impressions were taken of my mouth and the splint was ordered – a different one this time, that is fitted over the lower row of teeth.

Today, I started to do some research.  We cannot afford another round of braces for me – there is no coverage.  I came across this website about TMD: http://www.tmj.org/site/  I was quite surprised to learn that patients with TMD are cautioned to avoid dental work (i.e. orthodontia) which causes permanent changes to the teeth or jaw. Does this mean the orthodontia in my teens was responsible for the development of TMD in my 20’s?  TMJ.org thinks so – on this page http://tmj.org/site/content/tmjd-basics they list “dental procedures” as a cause.

I also learned wearing splints are not medically proven to help TMD and, in some cases, make matters worse.  The NTI splint I wore, for example, because it only covers the front few teeth, places a stress on those teeth which could be harmful.  How do I know the ab fractures weren’t caused by this NTI splint? The teeth that have the fractures are the ones the splint covers.  Is this just a coincidence?

Positioning splints which put the jaw in a new position are ones to be particularly cautious of:

Because studies so far have shown inconsistent results at best, you should be especially wary of having a repositioning splint. Because the effects of the use of this type of splint are permanent, prolonged use (over 6 weeks) raises the risk of changes in the bite, long-term damage to the joint, and increased pain, requiring further treatment and possibly including surgery. http://tmj.org/site/content/splints

It’s too late to cancel my splint order. However, this will be my last one.

TMJ.org also had some interesting things published about neuromuscular orthodontia; interesting enough for me to cancel my appointment:

According to the American Association For Dental Research’s March 3, 2010 Policy Statement on Temporomandibular Disorders (TMD)  “…the consensus of recent scientific literature about currently available technological diagnostic devices for TMDs is that except for various imaging modalities, none of them shows the sensitivity and specificity required to separate normal subjects from TMD patients or to distinguish among TMD subgroups.”  In other words, those who practice neuromuscular dentistry have their own standards for what are normal and abnormal readings which may lead to a “false positive” – meaning people may be told they have a TMJ problem when they really don’t, leading to unnecessary treatments.

Neuromuscular dentistry is NOT a specialty recognized by the American Dental Association.

Although a variety of healthcare providers advertise themselves as TMJ specialists, treatments available today are based largely on beliefs, not on scientific evidence.

The recommendation from TMJ.org is that “less is best.”  Treatments such as moist heat, a soft foods diet, and over the counter medication for pain control are all inexpensive and can be done at home. http://tmj.org/site/content/help-yourself-first-remember-less-best  

There are approximately fifty different treatments listed for TMD.  There’s probably at least as many as that listed for fibromyalgia and other chronic illnesses.

When there are many treatments for a single condition, it is because none of them work. – Sir William Osler (father of modern medicine)